And though some may be her bridesmaids, they can never be my bride.

Words by: Derek Webb

If we don’t learn to listen…then we will never hear. If we don’t learn to obey…we will never grow. If we don’t stand firm in our faith…then we’re going to fall. The church will start to die, decaying from within just as cancer and disease eats away at the body. Revival is a process…but it’s not impossible. It only takes a spark to get a fire going. It’s time that we allow God to wash us with water…and when the floodgates begin to open we know that we’re not alone, because He’s promised us that He will never leave us or forsake us. If you love God, then you will love His church. This means attending church work days…. it means helping out with the lawn duties…. it means giving God your time and money…. it means attending Bible study…. it means fellowshipping with other believers…. it means reaching out to a lost community…. it means volunteering where people are needed throughout the church…it means getting involved in various ministries throughout the church… it means falling in love with your maker all over again. Who’s with me? But more importantly…who&rs quo;s for loving God?

a couple of weeks ago i taught my kids a lesson on reflecting Christ...not using ourselves to create a cheap imitation of who He is...(a fake rose will never be a real rose no matter how hard it tries) but rather using ourselves to reflect who He is.

a mirror in order to reflect an image needs to be facing the object that it is intended to reflect.

a mirror in order to reflect an object clearly, needs to be clean and uncovered

and a mirror in order to reflect an object at all needs to be in the light...a mirror cannot reflect if it is in darkness.

Clearly, we are the mirrors and God is the image that needs be be reflected.

imagine this....you are a mirror....with every sin we commit a different color of paint gets swipped on to your reflective surface....with every swipe it gets harder and harder to see the image that you are supposed to be reflecting....until finally it's hard to reflect anything at all through your sin.

later on that night while driving a couple of my girls to a restaraunt, we we're joking around, and everytime someone would say something that would tease another...one of my girls would say, "uh oh...you just got a mark on your mirror!" when this statement made it's way to one of my girls she said...."nope! cause Jesus is the windex of my heart!"

she couldn't have been more right....in the lesson we had talked about how no matter how many marks you get on your mirror God can forgive you, but she made it come alive even more to the girls in the car whenever she made the statement that Jesus was the windex of her heart!

God is amazing! seriously!

i went to the wedding this weekend thinking that it would be a complete disaster....i wasn't sure why God was promting me to call him up and set up a meeting....i was sure this would be the meeting that would give me closure...that this would be the moment that God would change my heart. instead.......he changed his.

AMAZING! when i arrived at his place i whipped out my list of questions that i needed some answers to. he answered them beautifully...but i was still sure that at the end he would be like..."nothing's changed...i still need my space, i don't want to be your friend anymore." not so......instead, he proceeded to tell me, "You know, i don't think that i knew you very well back then." (when he had made the call that i wasn't the one for him...and didn't have all of the characteristics that he had wanted in a wife) "but since then, i have seen things that i want that i never even knew that i wanted before."

uh.....what just happened here??? did this conversation just take a drastic turn for goodness??? ha ha ha INDEED! to make an absolutely LONG story short, we're back together!  

thank you God for seeing the bigger picture.....thank you that i am truly as small as i am.....and thank you for my friend back!!! you're timing is perfect.....i stand AMAZED!

interesting the curve balls that life can throw at you...ha ha ha

i'm going to another wedding this weekend....and yes....the EX is going to be there too. not too excited about that. recently i've spent alot of time in prayer about this though, so the other night i decided to call him and ask him to meet with me over the weekend...i sooooooooooo didn't expect him to answer his phone....but he did.

i had this whole message thing rehearsed.....and then HE PICKS UP THE PHONE....and i'm like CRAP! ha ha ha i all of the sudden got really REALLY nervous......but i said my piece. "I have been respectful of your wishes for the last four months not to talk to eachother....now i need some answers...." and he said ok...whenever you get here we'll talk. AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! that's exactly what i wanted.......but i'm so scared! i need strength and boldness to confront him on the issues. OH GOD HELP!!!!

your eyes were bright and hopeful 

i remember them well....they looked right through me with such a knowledge that stunned me.

but empty words would surpass actions that have now grown dim

to form my knowledge of you...the one who turned his back...and walked away.

i can't believe what incredible friends i have! seriously......what a blessing! you don't truly know how much a person means to you until you're away from them and you see them or speak to them again, and it's like nothing has ever changed....or things have changed, but you see how much they've grown over the past months. God is teaching me day by day what it means to be a true friend, and i am sooooooooooo incredibly thankful for that, because i think that at times my perception of friendship has been skewed by circumstance. Here's a couple of the things that i've learned:

a true friend will always put your needs before their own...even if they are hurting themselves.

a true friend will always be there to love and support you...when the storm blows through and they're still around....still loyal and faithful....they're a keeper.

a true friend will never betray your confidence.

a true friend is always there to offer prayer support and encouragement.

a true friend will know all of your flaws and love you despite of them....never wavering....always loving and understanding, yet corrective (in love) but never judgemental

a true friend will never give up on you.... will always hope for the best

whispers fade into a single noise.......calling me

colors, blinding, find me hiding in the shadows.

the beams of light creep into the corners of my mind

darkness sweeps...

but the light still follows

waging war against the struggle in my heart

 i lift my hands to you in surrender.

 you unlock the ball and chains that i bare

 my heart has never known such freedom

  cuz letting go is to find......You.

© Stina

i have one of the strongest friends that i know.....

she amazes me. we just got off of the phone....and honestly, her life right now sucks. i find myself having flashbacks of times that i'd rather just forget. a month ago her best friend/love of her life got married after dating a girl for 3 months.

he still calls her all of the time.....she never answers his calls....but today she did. he proceeded to tell her that he had royally screwed up and that he is now stuck in a marriage that he doesn't want to be in and that he is still madly in love with her.....he said that it took him getting married to realize how much she actually meant to him.......he's an idiot......but that's not the point. with all of her dreams still clutched tightly in her hands, she says....."i don't want to be that girl. i can't be that girl.......i don't want to be the girl who breaks up your marriage just so i can have the happiness that i've always dreamed of........don't call me again."

she's in love with him.....but she will not entertain the idea of having an affair. i'm proud of her.....i'm literally at a loss for words..... i know how hard this is on her......she cried a million times over the phone......and she's not a crier.

"Greater love has no man than this....that he lay down his life for a friend."

laying down your life doesn't always mean literally dying for someone....i have found that it means pushing aside your own feelings....your own secret dreams......placing them up on the altar and walking away.............now that's love.

i saw a video the other day again for like the 3rd time.... "Confessions of a broken heart" by lindsey lohan. i don't really care for her, but i'm impressed with this song! as i was sitting there ACTUALLY watching the video this time (because i've only kind of watched it before) i was thinking......man, this is a song that every father needs to hear. she wrote this song for her father who left her and her family..... i don't really remember the details. here are the lyrics:

Confessions of a Broken Heart (Daughter to Father) - Lindsay Lohan
I'll wait for the postman to bring me a letter
And I'll wait for the good lord to make me feel better
And I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders
Family in crisis that only grows older Why'd you have to go?
Why'd you have to go?!
Why'd you have to go?!!
Daughter to Father!
Daughter to Father!
I am broken,
But I am hoping!
Daughter to father!
Daughter to father!
I am cryin',a part of me's dyin'
And these are(these are), the confessions of a broken heart.
And I wear all your old clothes, the old polo sweater
I dream, of another you
One who would never
Never leave me alone to pick up the pieces
Daddy to hold me, thats what I needed
So why'd you have to go?
Why'd you have to go?!
Why'd you have to go?!!
Daughter to father!
Daughter to father!
I don't know you
But I still want to!
Daughter to father!
Daughter to father!
Tell me the truth,did you ever love me?
Cause' these are!(these are)
The Confessions! of a broken heart(of a broken heart)!!
I love you
I love you
I love you!
I...!!!!
I love you!!!!
Daughter to Fahter!
Daughter to Father!
I don't know you
But I still want to!!
Daughter to Father!
Daughter to Father!
Tell me the truth...!
Did you ever love me?!!!
Did you ever love me?!!!!
These are...
The confessions...of a broken heart Ohhhh...yeah
And I wait for the post man to bring me a letter...

to all of you dads out there....tell your little girl that you love her every day...treat her like the little princess that she is.....make her feel cherished....make her feel beautiful.....make her feel safe in your arms....make sure she KNOWS who you are.....that way she'll never have to question.

i look at girls like lindsey lohan....she struggles with her self image, has an eating disorder, gets plastered on regular occasion, is in and out of relationships, (honestly the list could go on) and i wonder if she would have been a bit different if she would have had a father that honestly cared.

a couple of posts ago i asked people why they would consider someone to be the "best"....as in best friends. i got some really good answers, and had some really good conversations about the matter. the truth is ....... i think that i'm a little bitter.

two weeks ago i went to a wedding where i saw my ex- boyfriend/best friend. we spent all night avoiding eachother only to find eachother and chat in the end. (we hadn't talked in 10 weeks up till this point so it was a little strange and quite awkward) we shared a couple of stories with one another....nothing too deep....just kinda "I'm good.....etc." in the end he gave me a hug (TOTALLY wasn't expecting that!) and we parted ways.

later on i found out from one of my friends that he and she had talked and that he said........"Lindz....i know what this looks like......i know that everyone is like "How could he do this to her?"...but i have to do this right now for me.....i have some stuff that i need to get straight in my life. i care about her so much...she's my best friend!" (which he told me i was not whenever he ended it) she said......."you realize that she doesn't know your heart right?" "i know," he said, "hopefully one of these days i can sit down and tell her all of this.......and hopefully she'll listen." Lindz, who's not too sympathetic toward him right now....."yeah..maybe."

there were alot of other things said in the conversation between them...as she shared with me i just cried because i honestly don't know his heart.....because he would never share it with me. but one thing stood out to me.......he called me his BEST FRIEND.......at first i was honored......and then i started to think more about that. how can someone who's spent the last 2 months of his life pushing me away call me his best friend? honestly, how is that possible? if i best friend is someone who stands by you whenever you screw up....whenever you make mistakes......yeah i'm it. if a best friend is someone who is there to support you in the times that you need it the most and correct you in a loving manner whenever you miss the boat.......yeah i'm that too. i'm all of the things that people discussed in one of my previous blogs........so why am i flustered???

he may call me his best friend........yet he doesn't treat me like one. i'm all of those things to him.....but at this point in whatever relationship we have left.......he's not any of those things to me. how could he be?? we haven't talked in 10 weeks prior to the wedding.......and two weeks later, we still haven't talked. it doesn't make since to me.

in 2 weeks i go to a wedding where my former boyfriend/best friend will be....akward? ummmm yeah. it's safe to say that i'm REAL nervous! i haven't talked to the guy in almost 8 weeks.....by them it will have been 10. WOW! (that's a LONG time....considering i'm used to talking to the guy every single night for lets say Oh 3 hrs. and we've not ever NOT talked this long in lets see......FOREVER!) so yes........i'm very nervous. the last week has been really hard for reasons i'm not really sure of. i find myself missing him more often.....and i feel pathetic. he's the one thing that i have to drag to the altar EVERY SINGLE DAY. most of the time i can lay him there and not think about him or miss him for the rest of the day....but lately it seems that i just can't shake him....thoughts of him always hang over my head....so i pray for him....because maybe, just maybe he's needing it right now just as much as i am.

IT\'S SNOWING!!!!!!!!!!!!

i woke up this morning.....and to my SHOCKING surprise it was snowing!!!!

a year ago today i ventured across the ocean to london on a mission trip to minister to turkish muslims. so many thoughts run through my mind as i sit here today...looking at my computer screen. i see faces.......i see beards.....i see weird food....i see a different culture...........but most of all i remember the eyes.

you often hear them say that you can tell alot by looking into a person's eyes. although i can't be quite sure who "them" is, i agree. by looking at a person's eyes you can tell if they're tired...if they're hurting......if they're frantic.....if they're angry.......if they're sad.......if they're bored......if they're thinking alot.......if they're in love......if they're happy.......

IF THEY'RE LOST

i saw alot of angry, bitter, hateful, lost people while i was there. i have never before seen a culture so full of hate and disrespect for a woman EVER! i had my butt grabbed 3 times, got cursed at many many MANY times, got called a prostitute, a communist, etc. because their aruguments simply were not adequate enough...they had to throw anything they could at us in order to try and break us. we were insulted to the fullest...and all in the name of their god. wow. eye opening isn't it? they curse....they manipulate.......they belittle........they kill.......and ALL in the name of their god.

if we're not careful.........i'm fearful that we will be the same. our culture is in a state of crisis.

the most recent blog of graceshakers has gotten me thinking....scary....i know.

words have soooooo very much behind them. in a split second you can either build a person up and sending them soaring...or you can tear them to shreds and leave them naked....bare...and broken...standing in a puddle of doubt and unsettled grief.

i've always known it i suppose...i just never really thought about it in the terms that he expressed them today. i've gone through so much in the last 3 years...that at times it's hard to grasp how i ever made it out alive. a broken heart, an engagement, a marriage (neither that were my own) and a year of depression...had left me completely dumbfounded...in a whirlwind of confusion...grief..and doubt. and all that people could say was...."Oh...he wasn't the right one for you....God has someone who is so much better."

whether it was true or not.....it was complete CRAP at the time!!!! sometimes people don't need to hear the typical robotic answer.....they don't need you to show up and play mr. or mrs. fix it! they don't need to hear.....everything will EVENTUALLY work out....you'll see crap....they need Jesus in skin.....someone who will bare the load of their grief with them.....someone who will listen to them talk out their problems and give of their time and energy and emotions selflessly.....someone who will cry with them....someone who will pray with them....someone who genuinely cares.

none of this robotic answer CRAP!!!.....your friends.....family....and collegues deserve more than that.....thank you lissa for always being there for me and giving of your time and emotions selflessly for all of these years. i love you! and kent too....you big lug!

i need to go to new york......it's fate.  a week or so ago i watched the movie serendipity (sp?) .....since then.....i have seen that actual place on what seems like every single show i watch on TV....and i must say...it looks AMAZING! is it by chance???.....ha ha i think not.....nope.....it's beckoning me.....calling my name..... "Christina...come hearith!" yep that settles it......i need to go there before i die! anyone for a road trip????

whispers fade into a single noise.......calling me

colors, blinding, find me hiding in the shadows.

the beams of light creep into the corners of my mind

darkness sweeps...

but the light still follows

waging war against the struggle in my heart

 i lift my hands to you in surrender.

 you unlock the ball and chains that i bare

 my heart has never known such freedom

  cuz letting go is to find......You.

© Stina

"I am the Lord; that is my name! I will not give my glory to another or my praise to idols." ~ Isaiah 42:8

You've created NOTHING....that gives me more pleasure than YOU......

You WON'T give me something

that gives me more pleasure than You.

Go HERE!

http://pages.prodigy.net/killerbee/christmas_l ights.wmv" title="http://pages.prodigy.net/killerbee/christmas_l ights.wmv" target="_blank"http://pages.prodigy.net/kill...

HOLY CRAP!!!!!! it's crazy!!!!!

i love when people write songs for you!!!! it's AMAZING......flattering........and breathtaking at times.....it makes you step back and feel appreciated....and at times wonder what was so captivating about yourself to that person. last night  i ran across a song that was written for me by an old friend of mine. he had always been in love with me, but i was soooooooooooooooo OBLIVIOUS to it all. i used to run to him whenever i was having boyfriend problems and pour out my heart to him not knowing his feelings for me. i had no clue that this song was about me until after he and i sang it at one of our youth banquets. here it goes........

my mind is torn between your beauty and your heart

My eyes are open to the ending of the start

I’ve gone into my mind

Alone in my head

I will love you till the day you find me dead

I’m alone here in my room

And you are not there

I will stay there till you come

But you never will

I am lost in your eyes

Drowning in your tears

I have loved you for always

For a million years

I am frozen in your heart

Release me

Cuz there is nothing more I fear

Than to be free…….of you

I’m alone here in my room

And you are not there

I will stay there till you come

But you never will

I’m alone…. will you release me?

I will stay there…set me free.

(raises dr. pepper in the air)........here's to you pat!....and all of the memories.

have you ever had one of those days where everything that you\'ve ever done and tried to hide has been dragged out of the closet...leaving you helpless.........ashamed........torn........and completely broken? it\'s like the whole world is burning down around you........and the house that you are in is caving in...and you feel utterly trapped.

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;     ;        i've been there......not today......but i've been there.

it\'s as if people have nothing better to do than to accuse another, pointing a single finger only to fail and realize that there are four more of those fingers pointing back in their direction.......and that their life is just as flawed.

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;     ;         imperfect

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;     ;         & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;     ;         & nbsp;     & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;    unpure

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;      & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;     ;         & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;     ;         & nbsp;   &n bsp;    unholy

it\'s funny how we see sooooooooooooooo clearly the flaws of another.....and we accuse........we judge. Thank God that we have a God who knows us........and knows our flaws and chooses to love us anyway!! there is a quote that says ........

“How unutterably sweet is the knowledge that our Heavenly Father knows us completely. No tale bearer can inform on us, no enemy can make an accusation stick; no forgotten skeleton can come tumbling out of some hidden closet to abash us and expose our past; no unsuspected weakness in our character can come to light to turn God away from us, since He knows us utterly before we knew Him and called us to Himself in the full knowledge of everything that was against us.

    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;     ;         & nbsp;   .i think that that just about says it all.